Lukewarm

I'm heading out for Ecuador in a few days and I'm leaving with different emotions than last year.  Last year, I was coming back from Chicago and pretty much got home, switched out my clothes in my suitcase, and headed out to Savannah.  It was hectic and I had very little sleep.  Then, none of us, except for the pastor of the trip, had ever been to Ecuador.  No one knew what to expect.  I was also going on the trip with a different church than my home church and really only knew my cousin, aunt, and uncle.  I was totally riding on adrenaline and I was putting myself out there.

This year, well, this year it's a lot different.  My biggest accomplishment this week has been cleaning out my DVR.  I'm not being driven by that high adrenaline or that crazy schedule or the unknown of Ecuador.

This year, I'm well rested.  This year, I'm leaving knowing what Ecuador is like.  This year, I know everyone pretty well that I am traveling with.  This is a good thing, yes, but at the same time, I almost feel complacent.  And that's not a good thing.

I mean, there is a lot that we don't know.  We don't know exactly what we're doing down there or if our plans will work out.  That's about it, though.  But I almost wish there was more we didn't know.

In Francis Chan's book Crazy Love, he talks about lukewarm people.  {By the way, Crazy Love is a phenomenal book.  I highly, highly recommend it to anyone.}   Lukewarm Christians are exactly what you would expect- they believe in God and go to church and pray, but it is not with the fire and passion that one might expect from a Christian.  Lukewarm people tend to not step outside of their comfort zone and/or place limits on what they want to do for God.  I'm paraphrasing all of this from Chapter 4, by the way.

I'm afraid that I'm lukewarm right now.  I'm afraid that I'm going to be lukewarm forever.  I feel like I have excuses for everything.  I can't serve at church because I'm always gone (which is true, but my schedule calms down at the end July leaving me wide open to serve in some way).  I'm afraid to buy a house because it's just me and I'm afraid of getting in over my head and being screwed financially.  I'm afraid to reach out to certain people because I'm afraid of their rejection.  I'm afraid to commit to anything longer than two weeks {mission trip/travel-wise} because of what I'm leaving behind.  I'm afraid of getting married because I am afraid I will fail at that.  So I end up doing what I always do and not pushing or stretching myself.

I want to be on FIRE for the Lord.  I want to be willing to do WHATEVER He asks, whenever He asks.  I want to go to Him first when I struggle, when I cry, when I fail, when I succeed, when I am thankful.  I want to serve Him and give my time up for Him and NOT be complacent.  I want to put myself in positions where I'm going to need faith to get through them.  I don't mean putting myself in really bad places on purpose or making really dumb choices, expecting God to come bail me out.  I mean make choices and go places and do things that may scare me to death, but have faith that the Lord will be there for me and bring me through.  Honestly?  Honestly, I don't do most of the things I just listed right now and I don't want these fears holding me back anymore.

I don't know if I'll be back to Ecuador.  Truthfully, I don't know if I'll be back on any mission trip because I don't know what God has planned for me.  I do feel a pull back to Uganda and Africa, in general, but I have no guarantee that I will be in Africa ever again in my life.  I do believe that you do not have to go to other countries and cities to serve the Lord and or to be pushed outside of your comfort zone, so for all I know, God could be setting me up for a lifetime of serving and having a passion for Him right here in my hometown.  As much as I love mission trips and think they can be life changing, I think I'd be just fine with that.

This has totally turned in a direction I didn't plan, but that's okay.  It's long and may not make sense to anyone but me and I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this completely.  I just pray, and will continue to pray, that I am not a lukewarm Christian.  That I am stretched and can step out on faith.  That I can give up on the control I try to have in my life and let God have that control and my fears without that control.

And that's that for now.