My Insecurities

**I've been working on this post for awhile now.  I originally wrote it a few of months ago, added to it soon after, and held off on posting it.  I don't know why.  Insecurity, I suppose??**

I'm going to get pretty honest here.  I have some friends who blog and their blogs are very purpose-driven, very reflective, and honestly, make my blog look really shallow.  When I read their posts, I always feel like I need to stop being so superficial and talk about REAL stuff.  I follow some blogs of people who struggle with infertility, who are very honest with their personal struggles and their walks with God.  It makes me want to stop complaining about how much work I have for grad school (update: DONE with grad school!!) and stop talking about Britney Spears.

Then I remember that this is MY blog and I can write about anything I want.

It's hard for me to truly open up to others, even my best friends.  There are just some thoughts and desires and secrets and problems and insecurities and FEARS I have that I really don't want to share.  I don't know if it has to do with me wanting to "save face" and keep up this facade that I've got everything going on in my life.  Because, well, I don't.  And there are some things I have no problem talking about- how I'm terrible with a budget, I've had to move back home with my parents, I don't have much self-control, I can be pretty lazy, and then some of my stupid decisions in the past.

But then there's other things- like my insecurities and feelings that I don't want anyone to know about.  I don't even want to type some of them because I don't want to voice them in one shape or form.   Sometimes I even try to hide them from God, as if He seriously doesn't know what I was feeling.

I hung out with some friends and some new people last night, and while I had a great time, I couldn't help the destructive, unhealthy thoughts that were going through my mind:

She hasn't said hello to me because she really doesn't like me that much.

They didn't want me in that picture because they don't want me as a friend.

I don't want to be in their picture, anyway- I look terrible and bloated.

Why would that guy ever look twice at ME?

I'll never be as funny/cute/friendly/outgoing/in shape/insert any adjective here as he/she is.

How come I wasn't invited to that?

And they don't stop there.  I try to make it stop, by reminding myself that I don't need anyone's approval and I already have amazing friends and that I have a God who made me just the way I am, imperfections and all.  And never mind that not ONE of my friends in my entire life has ever said anything like these thoughts to me.  And never mind that there ARE people out there who aren't exactly welcoming- we've all met them.

But it never stops.  I have to wonder, will I be 80 and still feeling insecure and unwanted by people I surround myself with or people I don't even know that well??

And Facebook is the devil sometimes.  I hate making plans through Facebook unless it's through a private message for the very reason that someone may see my plans and wonder why they weren't invited.  And you don't have to tell me that I am too sensitive when it comes to others sometimes, but maybe that's from me having these insecurities.

Look, I know I have a God who is always there for me and loves me and has a great plan for me.  I know all of that.  I know that when I do get these feelings of insecurity, the best thing I need to do is pray.  Pray, pray, pray.  And I have done that.  And I realize that there are going to be times when I am around people that aren't extremely welcoming and make others feel insecure.  Let's be real here, I've probably done that to others.

But that's not the point.  Those nagging self-doubts and insecurities always pop up.  Always.  Especially in social situations.  Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?  Will I ever stop tearing myself down?  Will I ever have plenty of confidence to NOT CARE if someone doesn't talk to me, if someone doesn't look twice at me, if I don't have the perfect body, if I don't get invited to every little event or dinner?

I don't know.  I truly don't.  I wish I could say I did know that one day I'll be able to stand confidently and not worry about what others think and not worry if other people like me or not.

Until then, I'll just keep trying to think positively about myself, I'll just keep trying to focus on the love God has for me, I'll just keep trying to focus on others, instead of myself.

**So, as I said before, I've been working on this post for awhile and it's been saved, waiting to be posted.  In my small group, we're reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan.  He wrote something that was like a slap in the face.

"When we allow others' perceptions of us (or even our perceptions of their perceptions!) to control how we live, we are enslaved.  We become entrenched in the ways of this world and do not live as citizens of heaven, which is another kind of kingdom altogether."

Wow.  Are you kidding me, God?  How did you know EXACTLY how I had been feeling lately?  Oh, right, you're God.  God knew exactly what I needed to read and to hear.

***Final edit:  I know my blog doesn't have a ton of readers and it's never been my goal to have a ton of readers.  My blog is for me.  If I did, I'm not even sure I would post this.  It's been sitting, just waiting to be posted.  I was in a pretty low point when I first wrote this, but what I felt is still true.  I've felt it since then and I'll feel it again.  This is just something I struggle with and has been on my heart for awhile.  

And I didn't mean for this to be so long.  

And I'm really done now.